It's in between the big moments, that all of the sweetness surfaces.
It's the things that aren't necessarily big things that I find the most heart melting, soul dancing beauty. It's tonight, her in her jammies, wet hair from her warm bath. Sitting on my lap. Us rocking back and forth. Her humming along to me singing the "Baby Beluga" book we read every night. It's me staring into her eyes, her looking up at me. Trusting me. Searching me. In that moment, I have a flash of one year before. Being home for the first night. Without nurses, doctors, machines. Without backup. Yes... Bryce is back up. But, he has to work in the morning, and it's all me. You think you'll be a pro instantly... maybe.
You think, how hard can it be? She's a baby. I'm an adult, a super auntie, I'm great with babies... Newborns and newly born first time mommies... it's different. You fumble. You are scrambling. You try and appear composed. You are not. You have absolutely NO idea what you are doing. What you are supposed to be doing, and you have no idea why no one told you that you wouldn't have any idea what to do. Does the baby (the brand new baby) sleep in the bed? In the bassinet? In the crib? Does she sleep in jammies? In a blanket? Swaddled? Not swaddled? Should I wake her after 3 hours to eat, or let that sleeping baby sleep. They tell you to feed them every three hours. Will she starve? Is that noise she made normal. Is she fine. Am I fine. Is she gassy, is she hungry, shouldn't she be sleeping. Maybe I'll change her, she's probably too hot.. too cold. Maybe she's hungry again, did I hurt her, is she ok. What time is it? Where am I? Is this baby crying again? Where are the nurses. Why is no one helping me. Who is this baby? Who am I? I'm tired? Shouldn't everyone be asleep? Am I asleep, is she? How long has this been going on? Then, it's morning. We're both in the bed. Bryce long gone to work. This perfect faced baby finally asleep beside me. After the longest night of my life. I am so tired. I've been awake for days. But all I can do is stare at her beautiful face. Tracing over each delicate line on every little neck roll. (Okay, delicate isn't the right word) I'm just staring at her. Drinking in her sweet baby smell. I can barely imagine life without her, yet she's only been in the world for 4 days. Our first morning in our bed. Soaking in the morning sunlight. I'm so tired I should be sleeping, but all I can do is marvel at her miraculous face.
One year later, reading her book to her, and feeling the weight of her 27 pound body against mine. I soak up her smell, our sweetness. Her room. The smell of her breath, the sound of her humming along.
In between the big moments, are all the most glorious moments along the way. I'm doing my best to breathe deep and absorb. She is my first baby. The only first baby I will ever know, ever have. I'm so in love with all of our firsts.
One year later. Our daily everythings are different than that first night at home. I've learned so much, and nothing at all. I know one thing for sure, in between all of the minutes of the day are still, sweet moments just waiting to be savored.
Special thanks to my amazing sister Kaylee, for turning the camera on my girl and I. I cherish these images. (ps. Don't you think she should be working with me!!! She's an absolute natural.)
